Thursday, March 13, 2008

Sunny, Bright, and Full of Jicama

Queen Elizabeth had issues with dating too, so she used big maps instead of the internet.

I am on a catering ROLL at work this week. My boss wanted pastries delivered for the staff meeting yesterday, and since there are approximately 35 Au Bon Pains within quarter mile of my building, I had them deliver various artery-clogging delectables so that we might eat them while watching Powerpoint presentations. I'm always slightly paranoid when ordering food for a lot of people since I never know if I'll order too much or not enough, and even though it's not on my tab, I hate to think that I'm over-paying for what is essentially flour, sugar and yeast that's been heated up.

Well, no worries, since the food went over like gang-busters! BOO to Corner Bakery I say... Au Bon Pain is the way to go, even if thier bagels leave something to be desired and you could probably wash your dishes with them.

Today I ordered California Pizza Kitchen for a committee meeting and that was a pure stroke of genius (even if this one wasn't entirely my idea). I haven't had CPK since I actually lived in California and even though California cuisine has become somewhat of a joke, you have to admit that the barbecue chicken salad at CPK is essentially culinary crack. It was the perfect meal for this, the first day in god knows how long that it's broken fifty in Chicago - sunny, bright, and full of jicama.

What with the weather changing and Spring in the air, my whole out look is taking a much needed turn for the better. Though, there are downsides to Spring which were firmly planted in my head by a friend of mine some 12 or 13 years ago. Back then I was hanging out with people WAY too old for me (Me: Junior High, Them: College) and one of my female friends at the time complained to me that she really loved Springtime, but she also hated it because she went a little boy-crazy. I understood what she was saying in an abstract way, and by abstract I mean not at all, but now I really get it. Maybe it's something about the potential for seeing more exposed flesh, or who knows what, but Spring has got me needing to get some serious action. Perhaps this is why I've just recently ventured into the world of online dating... and I use the term dating VERY loosely.

Don't fret, family, if you read this... I'm not about to become a giant internet whore. I plan on using the same strict standards in selecting online mates that I've always used with every Tom, Dick, and Harry at bars from here to Nashville (don't say it, Todd).

The most respectable of the sites I've ventured onto, however, has been more than a little bit of a letdown. Salon Personals sounded like a great idea; By virtue of being associated with the endlessly caustic and urbane, you'd expect that their personals division would uphold the same standards of wit. Well, not so much.

I originally came to learn about Salon Personals back in 2004 when my friend Erin met her then girlfriend through the site. I loved her girlfriend and was totally crushed to find out that they broke up after a year or so of being together. I get that things happen for a reason and I'm not berating anyone for failed romances, but it was sad for me, you know?

So I thought, much like the Bridget Fonda/Nicholas Cage rom-com, John, it could happen to you. When I moved to Chicago in mid-2005 and didn't know anyone, I fired up my requisite stalker account and started scanning profiles. There were some attractive ones on there, and some people who had obviously put some effort into writing a coherent personal dating manifesto, but mostly I was dissappointed by the dearth of menz. I mean, I guess there were relatively a lot of people on there, but the majority of them hadn't been active in months.

I then forgot about Salon personals, and chalked my seeming unluckiness up to not being a lesbian.

Flash forward two and a half years later, and much is not changed over at Salon. It is still an arid wasteland of gay men who, by virtue of the fact that they regularly read Salon, are too shy or introverted or picky or whatever to effectively hook-up with anyone else on the site. The sheer amount of promising, but woefully abandoned profiles is distressing. The ones that I was attracted to back in 2005 are still the ones that look appealing in 2008, except that these dudes haven't been on in like over a year.

So in honor of 2008 being the year of get it together, I'm following suit of just about every person I know in taking fate into my own hands (loins?) by going online in search of love or something vaguely resembling that. My multi-website assualt will rival any record release you've ever seen, or as Cate Blanchett said: I, too, can command the wind, sir! I have a hurricane in me that will strip Spain bare when you dare to try me! Maybe that's a little intense, but you get the idea.

If it doesn't work out, I'll know the real reason: Lesbians are like leprechauns in that both are lucky and find pots of gold at the end of rainbows. Incidentally, I am neither a lesbian nor a leprechaun.

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