Thursday, January 17, 2008

Fools Rush In... Where Joey Potter Fears To Run

For the past few days Gawker's been circulating this Scientologist propaganda footage of Tom Cruise and co. extolling the wonders of the brand. Now they're being threatened with legal action by the "church", blah, blah, blah. IMHO, it's a pretty boring story since Cruise Control is more or less certifiable and we've all known for years how bat-shit scientologists are in toto.

When I was a kid I remember scientologists used to send out these personality tests, but they neglected to tell you that the deeply personal information you just divulged was being sent directly to Scientology's mind-erasing department. I used to fill them out for fun and tried to imagine what kind of person they might categorize me as. I'm pretty sure they've never had a real matrix for measuring these things since the church deals heavily in flattery in order to lure you in. Thusly, your test results always come back sounding like stable, happy, composed instead of lazy, co-dependent, and mildly bi-polar.

So in lieu of another post about Tom Cruise and his severe case of the crazies, I'll instead focus on his wife and her own struggle to manipulate reality/time/space... but first a little background.

When Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon last year I remember thinking at the time wow, who knew Katie Holmes was a runner?, but I didn't give it much thought because, whatevs, I'm sure she had a lot of time on her hands when she was filming The Creek so she probably used to run through fields in North Carolina or something. It also made sense because she seemed to have dropped a considerable amount of weight ever since she'd been with Cruise. Even though she had the gestation period of an elephant, she was always looking really trim and fit.

Well now Defamer's all over Katie-gate 2008. Apparently there's a rising tide of suspicion about whether or not she really ran the entire marathon. I for one enjoy myself a good conspiracy theory or two, and when coupled with the opportunity to knock a celebrity down from her pedestal, well that's an opportunity you just don't pass up.

Consider a few facts:

  • She didn't wear a bra.
  • She started training in August when the marathon was held on November 4th.
  • Her split times (which you can look up here) are virtually identical to some dude named Paul Vincent - these times are recorded for every participant through a chip they carry while running.
  • She's married to Tom Cruise and thusly, Katie's glory is Scientology's glory.

So I'm not saying that Katie Holmes cheated or anything, I'm just saying that she's a complete and total fraud.

This hurts me, obviously, more than it does her since I was really starting to warm up to her now that she's gone all glam in the last couple of months.

I was even willing to overlook who her husband is and the animatronic doll that she calls a daughter, but really, carrying on a ruse like this is unforgivable. If I'd been the runner whose time came in just over Katie's, I'd be livid!

And honestly, when she goes on David Letterman and tells America how Kanye West's Stronger helped her push through those last six miles (doesn't she mean the only six miles?), Katie didn't just screw her fellow marathoners; Joey Potter fucked us all.

1 comment:

lkbom said...

You had me at "she didn't wear a bra".

Ow. From a woman's perspective, I have to say, that would be painful.